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Archive for December, 2010

Happy Holidays to my dear Kahlan Elizabeth ,

Not long from now, I’ll be leaving the North Pole for my long trip on Christmas. Although it’s a long journey, I am looking forward to visiting you.

I have to check my list to see who has been extra good and who I am bringing those special wished for presents to. My elves tell me that you have had many accomplishments this year, that’s excellent! I can’t believe how much you are talking this year.  You have been such a good girl learning to help your Mama around the house, I am very happy that you enjoy helping her do dishes and laundry.  You have also been very good to your kitten Wedge, I know he loves the hugs he gets from you.  It makes me laugh when my elves tell me what a little comedian you are, I especially like it when they tell me how much fun you have spinning around in the living room.  You have been such a champ when you get sick and have to take your nebulizer treatments, I know it’s not fun.  You have been such a good little girl this year and I’m so proud of you!

I must go now to check on the busy little elves in the workshop where they are making all the toys and gifts for the good boys and girls. I think I saw them making a new gift for you! We will be loading everything on the sleigh soon and heading your way!

The reindeer and I are planning to arrive just after midnight to deliver your gifts. But, remember, I can’t come in and put anything under your tree until you are sound asleep.

Hugs and reindeer kisses,

Santa Claus

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Some of my favorite Christmas memories are of me and my little brother Jason.  I don’t know if any two other kids could have been as excited about Santa coming as the two of us were. 

I remember how on Christmas Eve after we both had been tucked into our own little beds, he would sneak over into my room and we would snuggle up, too excited to sleep because we knew Santa would be there in the morning.   We would wake up on Christmas morning in the same bed and run up the stairs so excited to find presents under the tree.

I remember the notes Jason would write trying to convince Santa he should be put on the nice list, even though he had been mean to me!

And I remember how my parents taught us to appreciate everything that we had been given.  They tried so hard to make sure that we got that one special present, that present that we really really wanted.  One year my mom got me an art set with every type of marker, paper, scissors and so on that you could imagine.  Another year, my doll Mandy who had hair made out of yarn got brand new hair.  And yet another year, when I thought all hope was lost, my parents relented and got me a cordless phone that I could keep in my own room.  (Wow, I just aged myself there, yep I grew up in the age before cell phones!)  And because they taught us to appreciate what we had been given I truly think we enjoyed it even more. 

Sometimes when I look at Kahlan, I feel so guilty that I will not be able to give her a sibling.  A sibling that she could stay up late at night telling secrets to and who would crawl into her bed and make the wait for Santa seem a little bit shorter because at least they would be enduring the wait together.  I hope that she knows that even though I feel a little sad that I can only have one child, she will always be enough. 

I hope that I can teach her to be grateful like my parents taught us.  I hope I can always find that one special gift that makes her whole face light up.  I hope I can give my daughter the kind of Christmas that my parents gave to me.  Because those memories are the reason why Christmas has always been my favorite day of the year.

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This week is dragging, it is taking forever for Christmas to finally be here.

The work day is taking forever, everyone is too busy to be making calls to the office which means my day takes FOREVER.

Kahlan has a sinus infection, go figure.  I think that makes it official she has been sick for every holiday so far in her short little life.

These are the only two people getting me through this week…

I love those guys!

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Really Mama I have to wait 5 more days????? 

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I had my annual check-up at my obgyns office this week. 

It felt really weird to be back at the clinic.  It has been almost 2 years since I spent a good chunk of my life there. 

It was so nice to see Carmen (my infertility coordinator)and it was so much fun to have her see Kahlan again.  Carmen was such an important part of my life during our struggle to have a baby and it felt so good to talk to her again. 

All the nurses went nuts over Kahlan.   I know so many of them by name since I was in the clinic at least once a month for two and a half years.  I was so proud to finally be able to introduce them all to my daughter.

Kahlans picture is on the bulletin board with all the other miracle babies.  I couldnt help for one instant going back to that place where I was convinced we would never be able to have our own baby. 

They put me on some new medication which will hopefully help relieve some of the pain I have been experiencing from my endometriosis.  But once again, I was reminded of how much easier it is to deal with the physical pain from infertility than the mental anguish that comes from not knowing when and if you will ever be able to have a child. 

It felt so good to have Kahlan there with me.  It felt so good to take her to the place where I spent so much time trying to have her.  And it felt so good to introduce her to all the people who helped make my dream of being a mother come true. 

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I sat in the same chair.  The chair I had sat in at least once a month for 2 years. 

The chair that I tried not to cry in while I was surrounded by pregnant women.  Women who I feared I would never be like.

I sat in the same chair.  The chair where I begged God to send you to me. 

The chair I had held back so many tears in; the chair where some tears were unable to be held back. 

I sat in the same chair.  The chair I sat next to Daddy in on so many occasions and tried to be strong for him. 

The chair that I tried to convince myself that not having you in our lives would be okay, but I was never able to convince myself of that no matter how hard I tried. 

I sat in the same chair.  The chair where on some days I was so angry that I couldn’t even look at anyone else the waiting room. 

I sat in the same chair.  The chair where I tried to be brave. 

Today I sat in the same chair, but this time was different because on this amazing day, you sat next to me. 

You sat next to me and you read your book and you colored in your notebook.

And baby girl it was in no way lost on me what a true miracle you are.  And my heart felt like it was going to explode because I was so overwhelmed with joy and I got a knot in the back of my throat and once again I allowed myself to shed a tear, in that same chair, but this time it was a tear of immense joy.

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So we spent all weekend waiting for the snowstorm to hit.  I was so excited for Kahlan to have snow for Christmas.  It always amazes me how much snow can put me in the Christmas spirit. 

I was so excited as the first snowflakes started to fall.  Kahlan had fun watching the snow plow driver piling up snow at the end of the driveway, he even waved to her which I thought was so sweet.  When he was finally done plowing our cul-de-sac she frantically started signing “more, more, more” and was very disappointed when she realized he would not be coming back.

But I realized something about snow today.  It’s an awful lot of fun when it’s the weekend and you can stay in the warm house and keep the car parked in the garage.  It is a lot less fun when you have to shovel the whole driveway to get the car out to go to work in the morning and then you slip and slide the whole way to work and pray over and over again that you don’t hit a big drift and get stuck!

So snow, I had a fun weekend introducing you to my daughter and I am very glad that we have a nice coating on the ground so that it feels like Christmas, but if you decide to stay away for the rest of the winter, I will be the first to admit, I really would not miss you that much!

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