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Archive for October, 2010

October 30, 2006

The day my world felt like it was crashing down around me.

I will never forget that day. Even though 4 years has passed I still feel the sting of hearing the word infertility for the first time from a doctor.

I’m not stupid, I suspected something was wrong. “Normal” couples don’t “try” to have a baby for 2 years and still have nothing to show for themselves. But hearing it out loud for the first time, I can’t even explain to you what that felt like. I felt so many things, but mostpy I felt like a failure. And I hated that my body had failed me. I hated that I had failed my husband.

Infertility is bad enough, but when you are the source of the infertility in the relationship I think it is even harder. My husband wanted a family and I was not able to give him one. That is an enormous amount of guilt to try and live with. My husband, was amazing. I truly believe he convinced himself that I was enough for him. I truly believe he would have loved me just the same regardless. But I struggled a lot of days to love myself.

My chart at the doctor’s office states “Infertility, Stage 4 Endometriosis”. That is something that will never go away. I will always have endometriosis. There is no cure for the disease.

But God did send a cure for my heart. Somehow against all odds, He sent us our baby girl. And when she is in the middle of her “age-appropriate” 1 ½ year old temper tantrums I thank God that he sent us a fighter. It seems only right since we fought so hard to have her in our lives.

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My Head is Ringing…

My head is ringing

So my neighbor has this gargantuan wind chime hanging on her front porch. 

I normally would not have noticed her wind chime, however we have had 50 plus mile an hour winds for the last 2 days in Wisconsin. 

Her wind chime is clanking non-stop. 

I couldnt fall asleep last night because all I could hear was her stupid wind chime.  It was chiming non-stop.

When I did fall asleep I dreamt of bells. 

My head is ringing

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I miss singing.  I love to sing. 

In school I started participating in choir in the 6th grade. It was by far my favorite class.  I tried out for Chamber Ensemble (the most elite choir at our high school) as a sophomore and made it.  I participated in at least 3 events in the Solo & Ensemble Competition every year.  My sophomore year the quartet that I was a part of made it to State.   I sang at my high school graduation and I’ve been asked to sing at weddings and church events. 

This summer we were at a wedding and my husband commented that I was much better than the multiple singers at the church.  By the way that made my whole day.

Now singing is pretty much limited to the shower and the car.  I love to sing in the car. 

And now that I am a mom, I love to sing to Kahlan, especially when I am rocking her to sleep.  But every time I start singing to her, she puts her little chubby hand over my mouth and shakes her head no. 

If you must know, it kind of hurts my feelings a bit.

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I hated Dating…

I hated dating. 

I mean I really hated dating.  On the other hand, most days I love being married.  Dating is hard.  I would never want to go back to that time in my life.  I am the kind of girl who needs commitment. 

Waiting for a guy to call was torture.  My husband, claims he had no idea that there is a 3 day rule when calling a girl after a date.  We went out to dinner on a Saturday night.  He didn’t call until Wednesday night.  That means I slept with my phone Sunday night, Monday night and Tuesday night and during those 3 days I must have checked to make sure there was a dial tone on the phone at least 100 times.  I am not a patient person and waiting to try and figure out if someone liked me as much as I liked him was not fun for me. 

The excitement of getting to know somebody is nice, but not as nice as knowing that there is always someone who has your back.  My husband and I may not always be on the same page, but we make a great team. 

I like knowing that my husband will always be there.  I like it that he is “stuck” with me.  I like the structure that marriage provides for me.  I am a very structured person and so marriage and I are a good fit.  It also helps that on most days I have an amazing husband. 

There’s a song that they play on the radio by the band Staind the lyrics are:  “You’re my world, the shelter from the rain.  You’re the pills that take away my pain.  You’re the light that helps me find my way.  You’re the words when I have nothing to say. You’re the fire that warms me when I’m cold.  You’re the hand I have to hold as I grow old.  You’re the shore when I am lost at sea.  You’re the only thing that I like about me.   In this world where nothing else is true, here I am still tangled up in you.

That really is how I feel about being married to my husband.  I am so happy that he asked me to marry him even 9 years later.  I truly believe that marrying him was the best decision that I have ever made.  He gets me, he always has my back, and when he looks at me I can still see that he is in love with me even after all these years.  I would never give this up. 

So like I said I hate dating.  I hated it when I was doing it.  Being married suits me.

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The Weekend

Scotty had off all weekend.

I had help with the errands.

We got Kahlan’s big girl’s bed set up, she didn’t sleep in it, but it’s set up!

We spent lots of quality time as a family.

We took naps.

The Packers won.

All in all it was a great weekend!

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It’s Finally Friday!

I am so glad that it is finally Friday!  Scotty has the whole weekend off.  We get to spend 2 whole days as a family of 3.  We need time to reconnect.  I love spending time together as a family.  It is my absolute favorite thing to do.  Who wouldn’t love this?

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My Girl

I always wanted a baby girl. 

A little girl that I could dress up in pink. 

Someone who I could hug and cuddle with. 

 Someone who would give the best sloppy kisses. 

Someone who would share all her little girl secrets with me. 

I prayed for this little girl for so long. 

I imagined us together. 

Our little girl is truly my wish come true.

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