Archive for August, 2010

A Time of Adjustment

So we are all trying to adjust to me not feeling so well this past week.  Kahlan is having the hardest time with this adjustment, but to be honest it has been an adjustment for us all. 

Kahlan is having a hard time not having her Mommy respond to her needs in the way she is used to.  She is used to me carrying her all around the house and now she has to walk next to me and hold my hand and she is not so fond of this.  She has always been a climber and we have to constantly remind her not to crawl on Mommy’s tummy because Mommy has an ouchie, she is not a fan of Mommy’s ouchie.  We have had a lot of meltdowns this week because things haven’t gone exactly as Kahlan has wanted and I feel so bad that her world has been turned upside down as she thrives on her routine and things have just been too off lately. 

Scotty is having a hard time adjusting.  He has had to pick up all of my slack.  He has had to give Kahlan all her meals, change all her diapers, do all her daycare drop offs and pickups.  He doesn’t do things the same as I do, not that his way is wrong, it’s just different and that in itself is an adjustment.  There is nothing Scotty hates more than if one of his girls is sick and he is doing his best to take care of both of us and I will admit I am not always the most patient person when he is doing things his way. 

I am also having a hard time adjusting to having to ask for help.  I am very used to running my house and don’t like having to ask for help.  I miss putting my baby in her crib at the end of the night and being the first one to pick her up in the morning and getting that first precious morning hug.  But I am healing and it won’t be long and I will be back at being the best mommy and wife I know how to be.  I know this is going to be only one of the things that makes us a stronger family.  And there is no other family I could ever want.


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Down for the Count

Okay I am back, although if my words are a little jumbled I blame the pain killers!  Last week was not at all what I had planned.  I am a very scheduled person and so when the unexpected happens it turns my world upside down pretty quickly.  So here’s what’s been going on with us for the past week.

On Sunday, I started to feel very sick.  Since Kahlan was born I have had the occasional gallbladder attack and although painful they have always passed within a couple of hours.  On Sunday, I just felt sick all day.  I spent most of the afternoon in the bathroom trying to empty my stomach and slept fitfully that night.   On Monday, I still wasn’t feeling well, but I headed out the door to work.  Once I got to work I was so nauseous I spent most of the day in the bathroom.  I couldn’t even take a sip of water without throwing it up.  I can’t remember ever feeling so ill.  I left work around 3 and went home.  I tried every home remedy I could think of to take away the pain, I tried to use a heating pad, take a bath, curl up in a ball… nothing worked and the pain was steadily increasing.  I had to go pick Kahlan up from daycare at 5 and I was in a cold sweat, I could barely pick her up and drag her out to the truck and get her home.  After getting Kahlan home, I called Scotty and let him know that there was no option I had to go the ER.  I had never felt so sick.  Scotty was unsure of when he was going to be able to get home and so at that point I knew I was either going to have to take Kahlan to the ER with me or find someone to watch her.  I called the one person who is always there for me and just so happens to live only a couple of blocks away, Scotty’s Auntie Gerri.  She generously offered to take me to the ER and have Uncle Steve and Anna watch Kahlan until Scotty could get home, so off we went to the ER. 

I had no idea when I arrived at the hospital on Monday night that I wouldn’t be coming home until Thursday afternoon… needless to say it has been quite a week.  I have survived a procedure to remove stones from my ducts and had my gallbladder removed on two consecutive days.  The healing has been slow especially with a toddler who loves her Mommy so and feels it’s best to express that love by climbing all over me!

I have also been so blessed by so many people who have stepped in to help us when I was feeling so incredibly helpless.  We would not have survived this week without Auntie Gerri, who sat with me in the ER while I waited to be admitted and  for Scotty to get there and who came back to sit with us while I was waiting to go into surgery, she was just amazing.  And my parents, words cannot express our thanks to them.  They rushed up to our house at ten o’clock on Monday night and spent all week taking care of our Kahlan so that I could rest and know she was in the absolute best hands.  So even though we have all had a very hard week and we are still in the healing stages we feel very lucky that everything turned out like it did and most of all we feel very loved!

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Infertility has a certain stigma that comes along with it.  It’s not like other diseases, as everyone has an opinion about why you are unable to get pregnant.  People don’t seem to think that infertility is a disease instead they seem to think that it is something that you have control over.  You would not believe the number of people who told me that we would be able to have a child if we would  just relax or the number of people who seem to think it is not such a big deal because you always have the option of having a child through adoption. 

Infertility is so much more complicated than just not being able to have a baby.  It is a total loss of control over your life, your body, and your marriage.  In my case, because the cause of my infertility was not unknown, but diagnosed as Stage 4 endometriosis, it also involved a considerable amount of pain.  Pain that at times I was glad I could feel as at least it meant I was feeling something.   That kind of deep dark depression came very close to destroying me.  If my husband was not the man he is, it could have very easily destroyed our marriage. 

For my husband and I our infertility struggle ended in success with the birth of our miracle baby, but there are so many couples that are not that lucky.  I will always consider myself infertile as my husband and I are not in control of the size of our family.  I will never forget what it feels like to go through that struggle and I hope that by sharing my story others may be more aware of what it’s like for those who are still fighting to try and fulfill their dreams of having a baby and hopefully be more sensitive to that fight.

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Lately I have realized that the fog is lifting. I am starting to feel aspects of my personality coming back, I find myself enjoying things a little more.   I am no longer the parent of an infant and I feel like I may actually be catching onto this “Mommy thing”. 

I’m less confused about how to care for Kahlan and am gaining confidence daily.  I’m no longer the person who looked at my husband in bewilderment when our daughter was only a day old and I was unable to console her, I now know how to take away her pain… in case you were wondering kisses work best.  Dirty diapers don’t faze me, but they do sometimes make me gag.  I have slept through the night for the past month (except for a few days when we were dealing with teething or asthma problems) while my toddler has slept in her own room in her own crib.  You think you know what sleep deprivation is before you become a parent, but you really have no idea.   

Kahlan is becoming less work and more fun.  I enjoy doing things with her instead of just for her.  She has started to help around the house, she is very good about picking up her toys and putting them in her basket, she likes to throw things away in the trash can and she ABSOLUTLEY LOVES to clean the toilet… seriously, she LOVES it. 

She is developing this whole little personality that shocks and amazes me.  She has her own likes and dislikes.  And boy is she strong-willed. 

We are starting to be able to do the things I dreamed about for all those years when I was wishing for her.  We’ve been able to play at the park, go to the swimming pool, and go shopping at the mall.  And when I am having a bad day, there is no one else I would rather cuddle with.

I know it’s not going to always be easy to be her mom.  There are going to be times where I feel myself slipping back into that fog.  But I also know that I was meant to be this little girl’s mommy.  And I am up for the challenge.

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On my 16th birthday I was given my first piece of real jewelry.  My grandma died the month after I turned 15, it was the first significant death in my life.  On my 16th birthday my dad gave me my grandma’s wedding ring.  My dad had it made into a pinky ring.  It is beautiful and when I look at it I am reminded of her.

When Kahlan was born my dad bought my mom a ring to wear that has Kahlan’s birthstone in it.  My mom wears it around her neck on a chain.  When Kahlan is 16 she will be given the ring.  It means a lot to me to know that Kahlan will have a piece of jewelry that her Grams wore and that her Papa picked out for her.   And I know that she will treasure it just as I treasure my grandma’s wedding ring. 

Kahlan "wearing" her ring

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Kahlan has become our little budding artist.  She is all about her crayons lately.  She loves to sit at her little table that Nana bought her for her birthday and draw. 

She is very good at not coloring on anything except for her paper or her coloring books.  And surprisingly she has never attempted to eat a crayon.  She thinks it is super fun to dump all of her crayons all over the table and the floor, I guess she thinks it is easier to find the color she wants that way!  Although she is also very good at picking them all up at the end of playtime so I really can’t complain. 

We still haven’t figured out if she is left or right handed, she seems to prefer her left, but as soon as those words come out of my mouth she will use her right hand all day.  Scotty is very artistic.  He can draw the most beautiful pencil drawings and so I would be very happy if Kahlan had some artistic ability like her daddy, as I have none. 

It is very interesting seeing Kahlan’s little personality develop and it’s hard not to wonder who she is going to become.  But for now, I am just happy to watch the joy a twenty cent box of crayons can bring to my little girl’s face.

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One thing that I have learned since becoming a mother is that no matter what things never go as planned.  My mom has been very sick these last couple of weeks and so she had not been able to see Kahlan.  Since she is now on the mend we headed down this past weekend to spend the day with Papa and Grams.  My mom had the whole day planned out. 

Kahlan usually loves cherry tomatoes, she can’t get enough of them, so my mom waited all week for Kahlan to go out to the garden to pick her 1st cherry tomato.   Kahlan picked it, but then spit it right out and refused to eat anymore.

My mom was so excited to give Kahlan her first piece of corn on the cob, we even had to make a special trip to the store before lunch so Kahlan could have fresh corn on the cob.  Kahlan thought it was fun to play with, but she was not at all interested in eating it.

Then for dessert my mom was so excited to take Kahlan out to the garden again to pick a fresh strawberry.  Kahlan loves strawberries, but once again she had no intention of eating it.  And later when we went out to get ice cream which Kahlan also loves she wouldn’t even eat one little bite. 

But the one thing we can always count on, planned or not planned, is that Kahlan loves her Grams and Papa with all her heart and even though things don’t always go according to plan there is no one else she would rather spend time with.

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