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Archive for July, 2010

Healing

I realized something pretty amazing today. I can look at an expecting mother and be happy for her. I know that sounds horrible, but for so long I could not say that about myself.

When I used to look at someone who was pregnant I would immediately think why her and not me? I would think of all the reasons why I should be able to be pregnant and she should not. I was happily married… she barely knew the father of her child. I was 25,26,27,28…. she was 16 and not ready. I was ready to support a child… she could barely make her payments. I know you probably think I am awful for thinking like this, but that is truly how I felt. But today, I met with an expectant mom and I was excited for her and I truly could feel myself sharing in her joy and I know that is possible because being a mommy to Kahlan has healed me.

I know I will never forget those five years of tears when I didn’t know if my wish would ever come true. I remember the begging and pleading with God, I remember willing myself to believe every month that if I stayed positive enough I would get my wish. I remember the shots, and the medicines, and my bathroom looking like a fertility clinic. I remember avoiding sections of stores with baby clothes because it was too painful to be reminded of what I couldn’t have, what I wanted most. I remember seeing couples with their new babies and feeling like someone was ripping my heart from right out of my chest. And most of all I remember every month realizing that we had to start all over again and collapsing on the bathroom floor, sobbing, feeling that once again the dream had been taken away from me. I remember thinking I was unsure how much longer I could go on.

But having Kahlan has healed me. I look at her and I am content. Truly content. People are starting to ask when we will have another one and I smile. I know they don’t understand that sometimes we don’t get to control these things. I also know that Kahlan will ALWAYS be enough. I was meant to be her Mommy and she was sent to heal me.

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I have a newfound respect for mothers with little girls.  I am amazed (and also a little jealous)  every time I see a little girl with the perfect braid or perfectly centered ponytail.  My daughter will have none of that. 

Kahlan’s hair is fine and wispy, and just long enough to hang in her face… one of my pet peeves.  My mom, who has been sending weekly envelopes of pretty barrettes and rubber bands, is hoping these packages reinforce her desire for me not to cut our little girl’s hair, but after today I am strongly considering scheduling her 1st hair cut.

After 15 minutes of wrangling with Kahlan in front of the bathroom mirror, I finally got her hair into a halfway decent looking ponytail

Which she then decided would be fun to pull out.  So we did another 15 minutes of wrangling and ended up with this, not as good as the 1st time, but still acceptable…

So feeling pretty proud of myself off to daycare we went.  Only for her to decide that she didn’t like the ponytail much at all and to pull the whole thing out!

She must have looked like a wreck because her teacher commented “Bad Hair Day, Kahlan?” when I dropped her off.  So here’s to hoping that her whole day isn’t ruined like mine is when I have a bad hair day… Hey, at least it wasn’t for lack of effort, right?

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I remember the 1st time I held you.  I was 6.  Dad took Jason and I to the hospital and we had to scrub in with this soap that was bright yellow and smelled really bad.  Mom had it planned out that I would be the first one to hold you, Jason was so angry until Mom said that he got to be the first one to kiss you and then in that big hospital bed with rails we both just fell in love with you, our new baby sister. 

It’s hard to believe that you are 24 years old today, my baby sister.  I have so many memories of us.  I remember how I used to have to sit in the middle of the car so that you and Jason wouldn’t fight and you would rub my fingernail over and over again until you fell asleep.  I remember the elaborate leaf houses that we would make in the backyard every fall, and I remember singing in the backseat of the car until our voices were hoarse.  I remember watching you grow up and realizing that you were becoming one of my best friends instead of just my little sister.   

I will never forget your face when you held my daughter for the first time, the love I saw was immediate and undeniable. 

I knew in that moment that she had the best aunt in the whole world. 

 

I knew in that moment that she would always have someone she could confide in and if things ever got too difficult and she couldn’t talk to me that she could go to you and that you would guide her through whatever she was struggling with. 

And that moment was one of the best moments of my life. 

So Happy 24th Birthday Auntie Megan!  We love you!

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My husband and I are very lucky that we have flexible work schedules that allow each of us to work full-time, but only put Kahlan in daycare for 4 hours in the afternoon.  My favorite part of this schedule is that it means that on Tuesday and Thursday mornings I have Kahlan all to myself.  Sometimes Grams and Papa or Kahlan’s godmother Heather will come and visit and we look forward to those days, but for the most part it is just much needed Mommy and Kahlan time.

We have a pretty good rhythm going on those mornings.  We always get up and have breakfast with Daddy, Kahlan loves to share whatever he is eating for breakfast (even if it is leftover pizza from the night before!) 

After Daddy leaves for work, Mommy and Kahlan usually cuddle in on the couch for a morning nap which usually lasts about an hour.  After nap time we venture upstairs where Mommy gets ready for work and Kahlan takes her bath.  Kahlan LOVES bath time and I think she would stay in there all day if I would let her. 

Then after her bath we play for a bit and then get our lunches put together and get Kahlan something to eat before daycare. 

Then it’s off to daycare for Kahlan and off to work for Mommy  I hate not being able to put her in bed on Tuesday and Thursday nights, but being able to spend the morning with her is worth the tradeoff, but somehow every Wednesday and Friday morning she looks bigger than when I saw her the day before.

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Moving In

So we spent this weekend moving into our house.   Technically we moved into our house almost 2 years ago, but I was pregnant when we moved in which means I had absolutely no energy.  And then the baby was born and what I thought was having no energy during pregnancy was nothing close to the real thing.  So we spent this weekend unpacking boxes and organizing the basement.

My husband and I have very different ideas of how a weekend should be spent.  I like to relax, go shopping, take long baths.  Scotty on the other hand likes to get things done.  He likes to mow the lawn, wash the cars, clean the garage, unpack boxes that we haven’t missed in 2 years.  Kahlan is becoming quite the little helper and when she realized that organizing the basement meant there was now room to set up her playhouse she jumped right on board.

So I am happy to say that we now have a family room/play room for Kahlan.  We put down carpet, moved the futon downstairs, set up the TV, unpacked boxes and boxes of books and set up new bookshelves.  Most of Kahlan’s toys have been moved to the playroom which will hopefully make my living room look less like a tornado has swept through it every evening.   So thank you Scotty for making me get off the couch and finally unpack all those boxes… oh and I did sneak a way for a bath last night, so it’s all good.

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I was on a date with another guy when I met my Scotty.

I got married in Las Vegas.

It was the first time I had ever been to Las Vegas.

I went to college for secondary education, but instead I sell insurance.

I have Stage 4 endometriosis and was told that the chances of being able to have a child were slim.

Our miracle baby Kahlan Elizabeth proved them all wrong and was born on March 10, 2009.

I love chocolate, but I love salty snacks even more.

I think it is acceptable to have a Coca-Cola with breakfast and do so often.

I co-slept with my daughter until she was 9 1/2 months old even though I swore I never would.

I have had two surgeries, one to treat my endometriosis and a c-section.

I am teaching my daughter sign language, even though sometimes I liked it better before she could communicate.

I could live in pajama pants.

I LOVE football and know what all the hand signals mean.

I know there are 12 teams in the Big 10 and I can name them all.

My favorite outfit consists of a sweatshirt and jeans.

I lived in Phoenix, AZ for 2 years.

My home has been burglarized while my husband, myself and our baby slept upstairs.  VERY SCARY.

I talk to, text, or email my mom every day.

I married a man with the same last name as my maiden name.

I can hold a grudge better than anyone.

I can clean my whole house during commercial breaks.

I hate doing laundry.  In college I was known to buy new clothes to hold me over until I could bring my laundry home to my mom.

I miss my grandparents on a daily basis.

I love being an aunt.  I have two nieces and a nephew.

I have a ton of respect for anyone serving or who has served our country.  They are my heroes.  Home of the free because of the brave.

Notre Dame is my favorite football team.  I would love to see a game in South Bend before I die.

I can tell you what outfit I was wearing on any significant day in my life.

I love taking naps.

I write my husband’s grandma a letter every week and I look forward to doing it.

I hate wearing shoes.

I love spending time with my family.

I thought by age 30 I would make my bed everyday but I still struggle to do so.

I love Elton John and one of the biggest highlights of my life was seeing him in concert.  My husband took me to see him in Las Vegas for my 29th birthday.

I wish I played piano.

I love to scrapbook, but have not done so since Kahlan was born.

I can’t sleep with covers on my feet.

I don’t cook, but love that my husband does and is good at it.

I have never been drunk, I have been buzzed, but never drunk.

I am not a very patient person.

I love bubble baths.

I hate winter and being cold.

I thank God everyday that I married my Scotty and that we have our beautiful daughter Kahlan.  

I know I am lucky!

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The meaning behind our blog name: Our Wish Come True based on my version of the book “You Are My Wish Come True” by Marianne Richmond

“Mama, tell me again how I’m your wish come true.”

Mama smiled, Kahlan loved to hear how she was Mama’s special wish.  “A long time ago,” said Mama to Kahlan, “a wish started growing in my heart.  At first it was a quiet wish that nobody knew.  Then it became an out-loud wish that grew and grew and grew.  Until one day my wish came true.”

“Me!” said Kahlan.  “I was your wish come true!”

“Yes.” said Mama. “You are our wish come true.”

“Why did you wish for me Mama?”

“Because,” explained Mama, “I had an empty place in my heart that I wanted to fill with love for a special child like you.  Someone who would be my cuddly little one and I would be her Mama.”

“Did you wish for me all day, Mama? Or only when the stars were out?”

“All the time,” said Mama softly.  ” I wished for you with my morning Coca-Cola and when I made my bed.  I couldn’t get my wish for you out of my head.”

“Did you ever think that your wish might not come true?”

“Oh yes…” said Mama remembering how long the waiting seemed sometimes.  “During the waiting I would imagine you,  I imagined what you would look like, what color your hair would be, I imagined you in your room playing with blocks and dolls and I wondered too if you would like soccer or piano or art projects.”

Kahlan knew Mama was thinking about the lucky part in her story because her eyes grew big and round.  “One day…” said Mama, “One glorious, special, wonderful day, I knew my wish was about to come true.”

“What did you do when you first held me?” asked Kahlan

“Oh Kahlan,” said Mama, “I fell deeply in love with you.  I looked into your sweet face and right then, you became our wish come true.”

“Do wishes always come true?” asked Kahlan

“No,” said Mama, “Not all of our wishes come true.  But don’t ever stop wishing for the hopes of your heart.”

“But I came true,” said Kahlan proudly.

“Yes, you did, Kahlan,” said Mama.  “Daddy and I wished for you and you are always and forever our wish come true.”

Mama and Kahlan snuggled into their favorite cuddle spot, both thinking that always and forever was a good amount of time.

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